I Get So Emotional, Baby...

I have had this blog set up for a long time. I haven't written anything. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Nada. During the past few days, I have been thinking about getting on this blog "thing" and finally writing something. The only problem was that I couldn't figure out what to write about. Why would anyone want to read the thoughts coming out of my head? I'm really not that interesting. No... really. I'm not. Everything I'm having a conversation with someone, they ask what I am up to. "What's going on in your life?" "What's new with you and Jonathan?"... every time the same thing. And do you know what my answer is? Nothing is new. Nothing exciting is ever going on in my life (or at least nothing that I think people would find interesting). I get up. I get read. I go to work. I come home. I make dinner. I got to bed. Jonathan and I are creatures of habit. We thrive on routine. But I don't think that is why I can't ever think of anything to talk to people about. There are things going on in my life, BIG things. So why don't I share them with people?

I have come to realize it's not because I don't have anything to say, but rather because I don't like being emotionally available to people. I don't like putting myself "out there". Even when it comes to people I should be open with... my family, my best friends, my husband, for crying out loud... I tend to shy away from any kind of emotional connection. I try, but more often than not, I chicken out. And here's the kicker! I am the kind of person who cries so easily. I can't hid my feelings. If I'm mad or sad or frustrated, EVERYONE knows. I cry during Hallmark commercials. I cried at the end of The Little Mermaid. I cry when I'm happy or excited. I cry ALL THE TIME. I hate it. I think part of it has to do with having a true lack of self-esteem. There are time where I appear to have it all together; I appear to have confidence. That's one thing my husband said attracted him to me (I'm surprised I ever got married...). But most of the time, I'm second guessing myself... heck, even right now, I'm thinking, "Why am I writing this? People don't care what's going on in my brain. Nobody is going to read this!" It's thoughts like this that made me want to start writing this blog. I want to force myself to start being emotionally available. I want to have a conversation with someone I haven't seen for a while and be able to tell them, good or bad, what's going on in my life. So that's what this blog will be about and hopefully, that's what I will accomplish. I'm going to try to talk about all the emotional stuff I don't want to talk about. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll realize that what I have to say is important and that most of you reading this really do care what I have to say. I certainly hope so.