This really sucks...

Jonathan and I are in the process of buying our first house. When we first decided to plunge into the black hole that is home ownership, I was excited! No... I was beyond excited. I was ecstatic!! We finally get a place to call our own, a place to plant roots, a place to start a family, a place where I can paint the walls! I was so ready.

So we started looking. We found a few that looked great online, so we asked our realtor to see them. No match there. She had a few suggestions to show us, so we went to see them. Nothing really felt like home yet, so we decided to keep looking. Two months and ten houses later, we haven't found a thing. It feels like we're never going to find anything. And I KNOW, it's only been two months. I KNOW the season is not prime for real estate right now. I KNOW some people don't find the right house right away. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW... but I'm impatient. Always have been, always will be. I can't help it. It's bred into me (thanks, Dad). I am so ready.

***Prepare yourselves for some major whining and self-pity.***

This just seems to be turning in to what I'm experiencing with trying to become a mom (more on that later). It seems like everyone else is getting exactly what they want out of life. The perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect family. Every one around me seems to have everything I wish I had. Don't get me wrong; I am so excited for my friends when they tell me they are expecting or buying a house. I try not to be jealous. It's an ugly feeling, but it's so hard not to feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm being punished for something. And I KNOW God isn't just a kid with a huge magnifying glass and we're just ants running around trying to avoid the concentrated ray of sun light that could stop you in your tracks and make you into a crispy critter.

God is a gracious, loving god that's always wants what's best for us. It's just hard to reconcile my own personal feelings with what God has planned for me. His plan is ultimate, perfect, mysterious and wonderful and so hard to accept sometimes. A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9

It's amazing. At the beginning of this post, I was completely down-in-the-dumps sad and now I'm feeling okay. Thanks.

I Get So Emotional, Baby...

I have had this blog set up for a long time. I haven't written anything. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Nada. During the past few days, I have been thinking about getting on this blog "thing" and finally writing something. The only problem was that I couldn't figure out what to write about. Why would anyone want to read the thoughts coming out of my head? I'm really not that interesting. No... really. I'm not. Everything I'm having a conversation with someone, they ask what I am up to. "What's going on in your life?" "What's new with you and Jonathan?"... every time the same thing. And do you know what my answer is? Nothing is new. Nothing exciting is ever going on in my life (or at least nothing that I think people would find interesting). I get up. I get read. I go to work. I come home. I make dinner. I got to bed. Jonathan and I are creatures of habit. We thrive on routine. But I don't think that is why I can't ever think of anything to talk to people about. There are things going on in my life, BIG things. So why don't I share them with people?

I have come to realize it's not because I don't have anything to say, but rather because I don't like being emotionally available to people. I don't like putting myself "out there". Even when it comes to people I should be open with... my family, my best friends, my husband, for crying out loud... I tend to shy away from any kind of emotional connection. I try, but more often than not, I chicken out. And here's the kicker! I am the kind of person who cries so easily. I can't hid my feelings. If I'm mad or sad or frustrated, EVERYONE knows. I cry during Hallmark commercials. I cried at the end of The Little Mermaid. I cry when I'm happy or excited. I cry ALL THE TIME. I hate it. I think part of it has to do with having a true lack of self-esteem. There are time where I appear to have it all together; I appear to have confidence. That's one thing my husband said attracted him to me (I'm surprised I ever got married...). But most of the time, I'm second guessing myself... heck, even right now, I'm thinking, "Why am I writing this? People don't care what's going on in my brain. Nobody is going to read this!" It's thoughts like this that made me want to start writing this blog. I want to force myself to start being emotionally available. I want to have a conversation with someone I haven't seen for a while and be able to tell them, good or bad, what's going on in my life. So that's what this blog will be about and hopefully, that's what I will accomplish. I'm going to try to talk about all the emotional stuff I don't want to talk about. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll realize that what I have to say is important and that most of you reading this really do care what I have to say. I certainly hope so.